3 Cs of Marriage

Just spent almost an hour plus talking to a friend who is half a world away who is going through a very terrible time in his marriage... My heart really went out to him, I could feel his frustration, disappointment and hurt.

Many times this week, several other people also messaged me about some marriage issues, I really do try my best to ask questions to find the root problems, or at most be a listening ear, and to pray for them and their spouses, but to be honest I'm not trained or qualified to help very much, I can only try my best.

I have so many friends who have gone through and in the midst of going through marriage or relationship difficulties. To tell the truth, Joan and I have gone through some dark times as well, but I thank God we pulled through and came out stronger together.

All I can say is, I have learnt that marriage isn't only about romance or feeling love for another person. Yes, love and romance are crucial, but communication, commitment and for Christians, having Christ in the center of the marriage, these are equally important.

1. Communication

Always talk to each other everyday, and I don't mean just superficial talk but deep conversation, about life goals, character development, encourage each other in areas of weakness, let your spouse be your best friend.

One thing I am so thankful for, is that before Joan became my wife, she was my best friend already.

We could talk to each other openly and frankly about anything, and be absolutely vulnerable to each other. I don't have to pretend to be someone I am not, if I get scolded by Joan over something I know she's not attacking me as a person but wishes for me to change a bad habit or improve as a person.

Some people joke that before marriage, they talk on the phone everyday until 2 or 3 am, or as my mum used to say "boil porridge" over the phone. But after marriage, after many years, suddenly couples can have a whole meal in silence, seemingly nothing to say to each other except for mundane things.

The moment communication ceases, people start to make assumptions, set up barriers or walls, or look to other people to communicate with. That's dangerous when you start to feel that someone else is able to communicate with you more easily and freely than your spouse.

So don't stop communicating.

2. Commitment

I cannot stress this enough, that when people made their marriage vows, it is for better or worse, for richer or poorer, till death do us part. Somehow when things get worse, when trouble comes along, the part about commitment gets forgotten.

Marriage, contrary to what people believe, is much more than "just a piece" of paper that allow you to buy a HDB flat.

It is about committing to stay in a union with another person, through all circumstances of life.

Of course, there are exceptions such as bodily or emotional abuse, alcoholism, violence, infidelity, etc. The law makes these exceptions for divorce to be a way out for the victim.

But too often, people set the bar lower.

If you only love someone in good times, or even because the person loves you back, then that isn't true love. That's conditional love. I.e. love based on certain conditions being met.

Marriage isn't conditional love, it is based on commitment. It means regardless of how circumstances change or how the person changes, the commitment or the promise to remain in the marriage, still stands.

Most importantly, commitment should prevail over emotions or feelings. People can go through emotional roller coasters, from crazy romantic periods, to dry lonely periods. But commitment is about keeping the promise regardless of how you feel because what you value has much more importance compared to your feelings, which may be temporary.

But how does one stay committed when the heart is broken, how does one communicate when the other party is unwilling to do so?

3. Christ in the center of it all

There is only one solid rock which is immovable, that a marriage can be built on, which is none other than Jesus Christ.

I don't need to say too much about this, there are plenty of Bible verses which already talk about Christ as the center of a marriage, the three-fold chord is hard to break in Eccl 4:12, how husbands and wives ought to treat each other in Ephesians 5:22-34, and many other verses. We've heard those in many wedding sermons, and also in church sermons.

But aside from all that, when a marriage hits the rocks and both parties are not communicating, breaking the commitment, and it seems that nothing can turn frozen hearts towards each other because circumstances have pushed parties oceans apart, as long as both parties cling on to the Lord and put Jesus first in their lives, there is nothing, no problem which Jesus cannot overcome.

If God can bring the dead back to life, He can resurrect dead relationships, cause frozen hearts to burn with passion again, heal broken hearts and give someone strength to persevere on when he or she has none left.

I say this with utmost confidence because Jesus has worked this reconciliation for me and Joan. That without Him, I would not know how I would have gone through the darkest days of my life.

Of course, getting counselling and strong support from family, cell group, church, friends, colleagues and bosses all help a lot too.

Keep praying for your marriages and relationships, don't give up on your spouse no matter how tough it seems, and finally, pray for wisdom and understanding to deal with situations in life, for the Holy Spirit to comfort you in the saddest times, for Jesus to soften and turn the hearts of spouses toward each other again, that you may treat each other with respect, kindness, forgiveness and find that first love once again.